I have been asked about what to give the man in your relationship. I just have a few suggestions.
DO NOT give cologne. This is the #1 give away that a man is having an affair: new cologne. With that said, if he wears a certain type quite often, then yes, you can give him a bottle. But I implore you, do not give him NEW cologne.
You in new lingerie may always been classic. You, as his mistress, are a fantasy come true, so you can always go this route without too much hesitation. Throw on a beautiful silk robe over the top and let him unwrap you.
Consider what he is interested in. What do you do TOGETHER other than the obvious. I would hope that you as a mistress are more than just sex. Do you explore restaurants, music, dancing, drinks, culture? Is there somewhere he has always wanted to visit? You can get him tickets to a show, music download of a DJ mix he might like, a cooking class at a local sushi restaurant (there are a few restaurants that give cooking lessons, ask the people at your local cooking school or Sur La Table).
I have found that many men have a favorite TV cook/chef. Why I don’t know, but it seems to be pretty common. Every one of these people has a book out about how they got started. You can always get your man one of these, either in hand or digital, and then cook dinner together using a few of the recipes the chef may have online.
I would avoid anything too personal that he would be taking with him. No photo books of you guys together on trips. Unless you plan on keeping it at your place.
I hope this helps.
Holidays can be an out of sorts time of year for just about anyone that is not 5 years old. We can allow so much pressure and anxiety to be placed on our shoulders that it can make the Christmas season unbearable, if you let it.
Then there’s the extra twist of having a man in your life, that will more than likely be out of the picture over the holidays.
What do you do to cope? I have a few suggestions.
Do go for it -If you both want to be together during Christmas season, I say go ahead. There may be small pockets of time, or even some evenings that aren’t filled with cocktail parties, work functions, or family obligations. If you two can make it work, then make it work.
No time to meet in person? Send him a sweet/sexy email (read my messaging advice here) wishing him a happy new year. Add a photo if you like just be smart about it.
Don’t fret too hard about whether or not it will happen – Being a mistress is a little more difficult than being a girlfriend. You have to have a more stoic approach to just about everything. A friend of mine says to “be more French about it” but I don’t know if that’s the right term. Just be very “if it happens then that’s lovely, if not, then that is lovely as well”. I find it even difficult to meet up with my family during Christmas let alone other people I want to see. But when I do get to be with those I care about, even if it is for a minute, it is quite lovely.
Don’t go crazy- Put that phone down! Stop checking it every 5 minutes to see if he has sent you an email, text, vox, or photo. It’s not becoming to be obsessive over anything let alone a man.
Do have your own life – You still have work, friends, shopping, dinners, and events which to attend. You had a life before him keep your life going now. You are amazing all on your own, embrace it.
Do get with your friends – Remember those people that you love being with and having coffee or a cocktail with? Yeah, those friends. This is the season to see the people you actually want to be with and that you cherish so get together!!! Be each other’s wingman, or plus one to the parties you don’t really want to go to alone. Besides you can make inside jokes to each other the entire time.
Do get physical – Whether you hit the gym, run on the sea wall, swim at your local ymca, zumba or P90x it in your living room, get your body moving! Having the endorphin rush is great, and it will keep you looking and FEELING hot and sexy more than eating another head off of a gingerbread man will.
Do get giving – If you are not possibly busy enough during this time you can donate time at animal shelter or even a senior center. The people that run these places are almost always looking for an extra hand, or someone who can just sit and listen.
Don’t become a hermit – What are you doing moping in your home with a tin full of fudge? You are spectacular and amazing. Let the world see how awesome you are! The parties are aplenty right now and this is a great time to meet new people, reconnect with old friends, get new business connections and my favorite, it’s a chance to get dressed up. We really rarely get to go all out so why not use this season as an excuse to pull out that dress you were hoping to wear to dinner with your man. YOU make it fabulous.
Do pamper yourself – Get your hair blown out, do your nails, and get a massage. Indulge in the upkeep. You will feel as amazing as you know that you are.
“What is it about love that makes us act so stupid?” – Under The Tuscan Sun
I have always suggested that those who choose to be the other woman need to keep ourselves in check. Don’t fall in love with this man who is obviously unwilling to make a real commitment to anyone. Remember, there is a woman back home who he has made public commitment to, and yet, he is still doing things with you. To give this man control of any type would lead to your own downfall.
I have gotten lots of mail about women who feel like they are the ones leading double lives. That they, not the men, are having to be untrue to who they really are. Honey, sit down we need to have a talk.
While rule #1 is for you to be discreet, I never want you to devalue who you are. YOU need to look out for you. That’s why rule #2 is to decide what’s in it for you. Don’t be going into his thing looking for a happy ending. And if for some reason he starts putting demands on YOU, grab your purse and get to the door. Trust me on this, you have more power over him than he is letting you know. YOU hold the cards in this arrangement.
He stands to lose everything, especially in states that are not a no fault divorce state. He can lose his shirt if it’s found out he’s been with someone else. If, for some reason, he starts getting pushy with you, or g-d forbid violent, you need to remind him who really is in control. You are better than letting this man rule your life and tell you who to be. You decide who you are going to be. If that’s his mistress, then enjoy it, don’t be miserable. If it’s a single woman, then be single. You do not owe him anything.
I care about you way too much to have you giving your power to man who doesn’t deserve it. Own your decision. But don’t let HIM own YOU!
What would you do, if the married man you’ve been seeing was suddenly single? What if… his wife moved out? What if… he asked you to come be with him?
What would you do?
Is this a wonderful thing, or is it the worst possible outcome? What had been a completely non-committal relationship is now, what, available? Dating?
The rules and roles have completely changed. If you were once an escape from his every day, real life, you are now his real life. If you were to move in with him, you would now be the woman to who he is committed. It would all depend on which type of cheater you are with to find out if the adage is true.
“A mistress who becomes a wife, leaves a vacancy”.
It is up to you if you want this to be serious. You may not have ever wanted this to be something real. For many women I have talked to, dating a married man was simply for fun. While there often comes a change in emotional ties, it was usually never seen as a serious thing. If you want to keep this casual “no strings attached” this may not be your best case scenario.
Is it love? Or is it a continuation of the fantasy?
So… what would you do? What DID you do?
I know I know, it sounds like I’m turning you from mistress into prostitute, but I’m not. Just, stay with me for a moment.
When a man approaches you about being his mistress, and he will, know your worth. He is asking you to break a social more by being the other woman. know that you will garner no sympathy when this falls apart (and it will). No one will feel sorry for you no matter how you spin the story.
He gets to play patty cake with a beautiful witty woman (that’s you) while also having the stability of a committed relationship at home. The best of both worlds, if you will. While, yes, he is risking being caught, and losing half of everything, he is also getting off on the danger of it all. The risk is what makes it worth while. Well, that an sex with you. And his wife.
So what do YOU get out of the deal?
Don’t be afraid to ask, straight forward. If he starts asking you to send him “naughty photos” or even to join him for coffee after dinner back at his hotel room, be a grown woman, and ask “what’s in this for me”. Now, don’t be a snide about it. You can play the coy, bat your eyes, take a sip from your espresso, ingenue if you like. That tends to go over better with most men who want to feel like the hunter and dominant one. If he responds with, what do you mean?, just explain that you know this isn’t going to go anywhere, since you KNOW he is married/in a committed relationship, and it seems that he is getting the better end of the deal.
Now, YOU are going to have to decide what the deal breaker is. What is your worth as the other woman? Is he really that great of a catch that you’re willing just to give the store away? Do you want chocolates? dinners? jewelry? an apartment? Or are you looking for something simple, a man who you don’t have to take care of and only have to deal with on a rare occasion for a good time, no strings attached? (which is a string all its own)
If nothing else, I would suggest demanding you get orgasms. That he makes sure that you get yours. The sex can’t always be all about him (if you decide to keep this thing going, of course you can indulge his fantasies, but right now, it’s about YOU).
So you need to decide what you want out of this. After all, you won’t be getting the man, in the end. What is your time, and respect worth?